Vicious Battles – “There Has to be a Better Way”

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Inner Battles

It was more than 15 years ago in the early days of my Focusing practice. I sat facing a stranger and went inwards. I found myself amongst lines of soldiers. We were dressed in blue-grey combat gear and of a style befitting the late medieval period, holding long spears. We were waiting for the command to go forth to defeat an enemy a short distance ahead. I felt determined to find victory.

Then that changed. Without intent, I found myself rotated around 180 degrees facing the army with whom I had been standing. I was pointing a long spear and standing shoulder to shoulder with this other army. I felt determined to make a success of the battle to find a victory. But not for long. To be lined up interchangeably on both sides and determined to kill the other, what was the point of this? What the hell was I doing? As I would win the battle I would lose the battle.

I then found myself facing along the strip of land between the armies, standing feet together with my arms held out sideways a palm facing each army. I shouted “Stop. There has to be a better way.” The men on both sides put down their weapons and broke ranks.

I related this encounter to my many inner conflicts. There had to be a better way because often, what I was set against in everyday life was in some way valuable. I would support the side that I identified with to be victorious over the other; think politics, other tribal identities, attachments and all those day-to-day judgements of right and wrong, and so on. If I were honest with myself, I could find virtue in what I opposed and a place for its expression in the right context in the right way.

Later, I would remember this inner experience when I found myself in the turmoil of inner conflict. Recognising that in my unconscious, I might be fighting on the repressed other side. Somehow, being mindful of this, I have to step back from the conflict and view it as I had when I put my arms out above. Both sides of me are required for the expression of my wholeness. Acting with full potential in any context may require a mix of both sides. Why not make use of the best of both sides for the given challenges we face?

Seeking victory over another part of ourselves does not resolve the situation in the spiritual realm; it perpetuates the conflict in hell. A transcendence is called for. The rejected old enemy inside can return bigger, stronger, animalistic, destructive, demonic, or fall away into passive inadequacy. The rejected, not lived, not heard spirit has to be accepted and accommodated by the way of Purgatorio on the way to peaceful Paradiso, or the Inferno pain of conflict continues without apparent end.

What about that mode of being standing between the two armies, stating the obvious with authority for the resolution of the conflict? Who is this coming from in my unconscious? He brought other qualities, such as mindfulness of what was going on and stepping out of the conflict mindset, being prepared to fearlessly stand between the armies with a will to find a new way out of the habitual and find a resolution. While my ego identity calls me to fight on one side, the centre of the whole can look across and coordinate the whole.

Learning to live with my whole self has been my slow and sometimes painful shuffle through spirituality. I am glad to have met this part of me that seeks to resolve inner conflict. He has strength, courage and gravitas, and he might be a representation of the Higher Self. I believe if we do not deal with our unconscious parts on the inner landscape, our inner world becomes our outer reality. That may be through acting out without self-awareness or meeting them in the outer world in others, where I think they are more difficult to deal with.

Outer Battles

I have been tormented by the suffering in the conflicts in the Middle East and Eastern Europe. Who can stand up and say, “Stop. There has to be a better way.” and bring the sides together to find resolution? To see all this crazy violence and suffering, in a way, became my suffering, I could not see why it should be happening, and what is to be done?

In the hope of easing my torment, I asked inside what this was about. An answer came from a voice I recognised as my Higher Self, and they said, “People have to learn to live with each other.” With that answer, my turmoil abated. Others have to take responsibility and go on their journeys; this is the world we live in, and why we are born here. There is physical pain, death, and destruction, of course, as we die without eyes and teeth, but more pain from the psychospiritual anguish of participating in and perpetuating cycles of this vice and suffering. Living in their hell on earth, and within, without having the presence of mind, consciousness or conscience to pursue a better way. I have seen them worshipping God. Maybe the one that hears is the one that so often dominates the ego.

The inner battle is to become mindful of our own narrow identifications, step back, take a bigger view, a holistic one and transcend the differences so that we can live in peace within ourselves. The outer battle, likewise, is to step back, take a bigger view, a holistic one and transcend our differences so that we can live in peace with each other (how easily said). Both, to my understanding, are spiritual issues, and the inner and outer are rooted in the same place. Spiritually, the suffering we inflict on others, we inflict on ourselves.

When my inner battles are transcended, my corresponding outer battles resolve, and I am in equanimity and peace within and in my world. This, I think, is a gradual revelation of the spiritual journey, and for me, it is not yet over. I do not for a moment think I can do this for others, though in a small way, they might see a way that they can recognise. We all have to learn this for ourselves, and with our pain, we will remain stuck in hell until we come to know that it is better to stop and find a better way. To live in peace with ourselves and with each other, and accept that what we see and hate in others is in ourselves, and to bring that into acceptance and appropriate contextual expression. Until we do, our suffering in hell on earth will continue.